I understand misanthropy. True confession -- I have a complete set of serial killer trading cards, collected at the ripe old age of nineteen. I made tasteless jokes about Team Ebola during the pandemic scare, albeit in my private Facebook groups. I often root for the monsters in slasher films.
There is no love lost between me and the human race. I get it. Still, I try to keep my misanthropy well in check because in brief, I am not a fool.
I have a thousand reasons why I chose not to be a mother and hating children is not one of them. One of the biggies is the profound dysfunction with which our culture views mothers. On one hand, motherhood is deified not only by Christian legacy but by secular folk at large -- we are constantly bombarded by images of idealized motherhood in stories, television, and magazines. One of my earliest memories is having a lot of baby dolls thrust in my general direction. Even at age four, I was creeped out by the idea of being groomed to pretend I was nursing my own infant with a bottle.
You may wonder just how my convoluted little brain ties together the rise of the American obese, the prevalence of kiddy-diddlers and homosexuals among seemingly innocuous old guys, and a woman's right to choose to have an abortion. Or perhaps you don't wonder at all. It doesn't matter -- I'll tell you anyway!
So you may have heard Beyoncé became vegan. She was last seen liberating chickens for ALF after an entire week of vegan food truck advocacy in the poorest food deserts in New York City. She plans on visiting the Catskill Animal Sanctuary this summer where she will perform a free benefit for the animals. The concert promises to be the event of the season.
Vegans never ever get cancer. Never EVER! That's right folks, a vegan diet is the perfect magic bullet against all disease. If you would like to have a perfect, cellulite-free body, you should go vegan. The second you embrace a plant-based diet, all your fat will instantly melt away and you'll be able to strut the beach in a lumpy, G-string Speedo/three strategically-placed pasties with nary a jiggle. Your disease-proof body will be free for at least a hundred years of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, chronic fatigue, moles, warts, and mosquito bites.
I am Kimberly Steele and I hate multi-level marketing.
Maybe I wasn't direct enough. I F**KING HATE MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING.
What is multi-level marketing? You know when a friend invites you to a "party" that isn't really a party but an "opportunity" to buy things like candles, makeup, Tupperware, essential oils, sex toys, Chinese sweatshop-made Victorian ephemera, jewelry, small kitchen appliances, or anything you don't actually need? That's multi-level marketing.
How To Become A Multi-Level Marketer in Three Easy Steps
“I’m not vegan because I value human life over animal life.”
“Do you feel for humans who suffer?”
I wish I had ten dollars for every time I have seen the Quid Populus fallacy, or the "But What About People?" approach to trying to convince someone that vegans care less about people than animals, or that caring for people and animals are mutually exclusive activities.
When I was about nine years old, the school year started off with an episode where a kid I will call Ronnie K. ran up to me and my best friend and forced us to watch while he pulled the legs off of a spider.