You may wonder just how my convoluted little brain ties together the rise of the American obese, the prevalence of kiddy-diddlers and homosexuals among seemingly innocuous old guys, and a woman's right to choose to have an abortion. Or perhaps you don't wonder at all. It doesn't matter -- I'll tell you anyway!
So you may have heard Beyoncé became vegan. She was last seen liberating chickens for ALF after an entire week of vegan food truck advocacy in the poorest food deserts in New York City. She plans on visiting the Catskill Animal Sanctuary this summer where she will perform a free benefit for the animals. The concert promises to be the event of the season.
Vegans never ever get cancer. Never EVER! That's right folks, a vegan diet is the perfect magic bullet against all disease. If you would like to have a perfect, cellulite-free body, you should go vegan. The second you embrace a plant-based diet, all your fat will instantly melt away and you'll be able to strut the beach in a lumpy, G-string Speedo/three strategically-placed pasties with nary a jiggle. Your disease-proof body will be free for at least a hundred years of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, chronic fatigue, moles, warts, and mosquito bites.
I am Kimberly Steele and I hate multi-level marketing.
Maybe I wasn't direct enough. I F**KING HATE MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING.
What is multi-level marketing? You know when a friend invites you to a "party" that isn't really a party but an "opportunity" to buy things like candles, makeup, Tupperware, essential oils, sex toys, Chinese sweatshop-made Victorian ephemera, jewelry, small kitchen appliances, or anything you don't actually need? That's multi-level marketing.
How To Become A Multi-Level Marketer in Three Easy Steps
“I’m not vegan because I value human life over animal life.”
“Do you feel for humans who suffer?”
I wish I had ten dollars for every time I have seen the Quid Populus fallacy, or the "But What About People?" approach to trying to convince someone that vegans care less about people than animals, or that caring for people and animals are mutually exclusive activities.
When I was about nine years old, the school year started off with an episode where a kid I will call Ronnie K. ran up to me and my best friend and forced us to watch while he pulled the legs off of a spider.
I have often complained that the town where I live proliferates with half-vacant strip malls and mostly deserted office parks, so imagine my dismay a few weeks ago when I heard the familiar drone of construction cranes scraping what was left of the grassland by the water retention pond in back of my apartment building.
You may have been surprised to see video evidence of me holding a sign and shouting "Animal Liberation" at a recent DXE protest because of this essay. Yes, that's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. What was I doing there?