Kimberly's blog

With All Due Respect to Angelina Jolie

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When Angelina Jolie announced her preventative mastectomy, perhaps you presumed my first reaction was snark because she isn't vegan. You would be wrong in that presumption. I honestly felt sorry for her. However, if your own reaction to her surgical news was snarky, you were not alone.

An Open Letter To J.Lo

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Dear J.Lo,

We are about the same age, you and I. You are a little above forty and I am slightly under it. We both look very young for our age and can be considered to have hot bodies. Nevertheless, even if I had the opportunity to go onstage and proffer my thinly-sheathed vulva for the world to see, I wouldn't. The difference between us is not a level of prudery as my happy husband will attest. The matter lies entirely in the nature of the impact I wish to have during my finite time on this planet.

Lest you think I'm singling you out, you are one of a crew of vulva-thrusting matrons: Madonna, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, et. al. The aforementioned women may or may not be your friends, however, you have a great deal in common with them. You are all mothers. You have all had at least one form of plastic surgery. You are all apparently concerned about the loss of your looks to aging. Like it or not, you are part of a club of increasingly desperate female entertainers caught in a monkey trap. For those who are not familiar, there is a system of trapping monkeys that originates from the jungles of Southeast Asia. In order to trap a monkey, the trapper creates a container with a hole just wide enough for a monkey to stick his or her hand into. The monkey reaches in for the bait but even as the trapper approaches, net in hand, the poor monkey will desperately cling to the bait, unwilling to just let go of the prize and avoid capture.

Do you believe in faeries?

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Do you believe in faeries?

I did!

In my late teens, I used to believe in faeries enough so I painted a series of faerie oil paintings, all but one which have been lost or given away. My friend and I used to walk in the forest preserve and we convinced ourselves sprites were speaking to us, responding to our spells, and revealing to us their wonders.

Meat is Not Manly

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As a diminutive, attractive female within my reproductive years, I have often been subjected to many an ostentatious male display meant to enchant with the implied promise of virility. Men make spectacles of themselves by nature, especially when they find out that the attractive female in the room is a VEGAN. Suddenly, a new unspoken contest is born: Is not the meat-eating man inherently superior to his few vegan competitors? Who will win in the contest to seed his dominance among the most attractive childbearing-age females of the species?

Addicts

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A young girl diagnosed with mild retardation obsessive-compulsive disorder takes to cutting and burning herself. Her horrified parents discover her stabbing her own legs with a fork shortly after she learns to eat with silverware. She later discovers banging her head against a wall at the age of four. By age nine, she's knocked herself out badly enough to cause a concussion at least a dozen times. By the time she is an adolescent, her parents relinquish her to a psychiatric institution.

Reconciling Veganism and Nihilism

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