Q. Doesn't PETA represent all vegans?
A. Oh, hell no. Saying PETA represents all vegans is like saying Madonna represents all women over the age of 50. PETA is part of the vegan family even though a great deal of the family ignores her. She is very troubled and there's been a nasty rumor going around that she's not vegan at all. I recognize her as part of the family, however, I personally refuse to associate with her because of her erratic behavior. PETA is our doofus, not-very-bright cousin. She's got problems.
Q. Problems. Like her whole thing with throwing red paint on women who wear fur?
A. Let's get something straight: she doesn't do that anymore. Maybe she realized that by throwing paint on fur-wearers, she often caused the very opposite effect she wanted because those people doubled down and bought more dead animal fur, I don't know, but she did stop.
Q. Fine, how about her fat-shaming campaign? Wasn't that PETA?
A. You mean the Save The Whales billboards, where she depicted an obese woman from the back in a bathing suit, comparing her to a whale because she wasn't yet part of the vegan family? Yes. She can be very insecure and very ugly as a result of that insecurity. One of her things is to try and make women ashamed for being "ugly" (at least "ugly" as the current male-dominant paradigm defines ugliness) because she labors under the delusion that every woman in our vegan family fits her ideal standard of beauty. Keep in mind her standards of beauty often include plastic bocce ball boobs. She refuses to acknowledge vegans who are heavy or not conventionally unattractive. She's a snob; it goes along with her insecurity. PETA's got a lot of brain damage and she acts like a tool of the patriarchy without even realizing it. That's one of the many reasons why I don't talk to her.
Q. She's not all bad though. Have you heard about how she helped get animal circuses banned in India?
A. Yes! Sometimes she is completely awesome! She provides guides for people to go vegan. She has saved countless animals and she has brought a lot of people into the family, including celebrities. That's why nobody has the heart to kick her out of the family. She can be downright amazing. When she's lucid, she does stuff like getting entire communities to rally against the carriage horse industry by publicizing the plight of the horses and exposing the abusers.
At tremendous risk, she has taken photos and documented the foie gras industry until consumers saw it for the horrifically cruel force of evil it was and banned it in California. That's a great many animals saved. She does stuff like this all the time.
Q. Doesn't she also do stuff like this all the time?
In other words, hasn't she read The Sexual Politics of Meat by Carol J. Adams?
A. I'm not sure if she has read it. She has a major mental block about women and sexuality. She just does not get the concept that when men turn women into objects to be used and abused, it's very similar to the thought process that meat-eaters apply to animals in order to consider them edible. She's thinks her Tourette's Syndrome histrionics are somehow empowering. She subscribes to the old adage that "all publicity is good publicity" even though some say she scares more people off than she befriends. She genuinely thinks that exposing her boobage is super-duper and does not understand in the slightest that the oppression of women and the oppression of animals are deeply, inexorably linked. Let me remind you that she's not very bright. She thinks domestic violence is funny and she honestly believes there is no harm in a site she came up with that portrays women having sex with vegetables. Like Miley Cyrus, she doesn't understand how bad she looks and how much she effectively forces anyone with an IQ over 110 to dismiss her. She just wants to show her ass and stick out her tongue and be pretty. She's too busy sloring it up to contemplate the reality that the same forces that objectify animals are the very ones objectifying women. Deep thoughts in general scare her.
Q. Does she have kids?
A. She has a daughter named PETA 2 (she's nothing if not vain) who is the Frances Bean to her Courtney Love. PETA 2 is far more positive and represents the best part of her mom.
Q. Don't you think she'll be mad you just called her a nit-witted hussy?
A. As she seems to spend approximately eighty-five percent of her time trying to piss people off, I don't think she has a leg to stand on there. So if she doesn't like it being dealt, she shouldn't dish it out to begin with. For all the work she does, she turns away more people from our family than she embraces. As long as she perpetuates the attitude that only animals matter and humans/women don't with her misogynist claptrap and her inability to calm the f**k down, she'll never truly be part of the family. And don't even get me started about how she kills adoptable companion animals.