cancer

When Vegans Get Cancer

Kimberly's picture

Vegans never ever get cancer. Never EVER! That's right folks, a vegan diet is the perfect magic bullet against all disease. If you would like to have a perfect, cellulite-free body, you should go vegan. The second you embrace a plant-based diet, all your fat will instantly melt away and you'll be able to strut the beach in a lumpy, G-string Speedo/three strategically-placed pasties with nary a jiggle. Your disease-proof body will be free for at least a hundred years of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, chronic fatigue, moles, warts, and mosquito bites.

Role Reversals and the Death of A Thousand Cuts

Addicts

Kimberly's picture

A young girl diagnosed with mild retardation obsessive-compulsive disorder takes to cutting and burning herself. Her horrified parents discover her stabbing her own legs with a fork shortly after she learns to eat with silverware. She later discovers banging her head against a wall at the age of four. By age nine, she's knocked herself out badly enough to cause a concussion at least a dozen times. By the time she is an adolescent, her parents relinquish her to a psychiatric institution.

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